Chapters <<<< 64 65

Family Bonds

by
Kimalis

64

Xander held his breath, his heart pounding. He wanted nothing more than to go to Spike, but didn’t dare try while the demon still had him by the neck. He had no idea what his father was playing at, but it meant that Spike was still here, for now.

On the ground, not far away, Tony stayed low, his forehead pressed to the demon’s feet. “Please don’t kill him. I was in the photos too. You can have me, take me please. I was in the pictures too. Take me, please, take me.” Tony’s voice came out in a rush, but loud and clear enough that there was no mistaking his offer.

Xander stood by, anxious, helpless and distressed, as both his lover’s and his father’s existence hung in the balance.

The Forwaan’s eyes glittered, and a malicious smile spread over its face; it did not, however, let go of Spike. It raised one foot, and rested it almost casually on Tony’s head. “You speak the truth, human. I recall your image. Tell me, why would you do this? I understand this one’s motivation, but tell me why you would give yourself to me so willingly.”

“Please, before I tell you, let the vampire go.” An edge of panic had crept into Tony’s voice. As Tony spoke, the demon shifted its weight, and Xander saw his father wince as pressure was exerted on his head.

“I will keep the vampire until I hear your motives. If they satisfy me, I may deign to reconsider the arrangement.”

Xander’s breath hitched. There was hope. However slim, there was hope for Spike. Then he caught himself. Yes there may be hope, but look at the cost. His father was offering himself in Spike’s place. Xander’s fingers unconsciously went to the scar on his neck and he kept his eyes glued to Spike. Xander felt sick to his stomach, when he realised what his father would have to go through if Spike stayed here. The other choice was Tony stayed and Spike died. Either way, someone would suffer.

“You can take me,” Tony pleaded. “I said take whatever was in the wallet. There was a picture of me too, so you can take me.”

“I am aware of this fact human,” the Forwaan said impatiently. “Tell me why you wish this to be.”

“I ruined his life; my boy’s life. I was so weak, too weak to tell anyone what I’d done. Too weak to ask for help.”

“Yes, you were weak. That is one of the delights of our human collection. But continue. What do you stand to gain by this offer?”

Tony’s voice was just above a whisper. “Nothing. I lose everything. My wife, my son- my whole life.”

“Interesting.” The demon nodded. “Then why would you do such a thing? It is not known for humans to be so selfless.”

“What else can I do? I didn’t give my boy a good life, I could have done better, but I didn’t. I can do this for him. I’m doing this to make up for everything I did to my family. It has to help. It’s the only thing I have left to give him.”

“You think that this gesture will erase the errors you have made in raising your child?”

“No, nothing can do that. But this will show him how much I love him. Show him how sorry I am for how he was raised. It will give him a chance for a better life.”

“Then you think that his life will improve because you are no longer a part of it?”

“I was never a part of his life. I stood on the outside and watched him grow and learn to hate me, just like his mother did. It wasn’t their fault, it was mine.”

The demon looked appraisingly at Xander, and, to avoid its eyes, he risked a glance down at his father.

Xander knew for certain then that he had never really hated this man. It was like he said outside the Lion; he didn’t feel enough for it to be hate. His father had just been a man who came and went, his absences more appreciated than his presence. When he was home, Xander had wished him gone before he could lose his temper. When he was gone, Xander recalled imagining a different man walking back through the door, a man who was happy to see them.

His father was right in assigning himself the blame, but wrong in one aspect. He was a part of Xander’s life. Perhaps not in the way he was inferring, but nevertheless a significant part. He was the reason Xander rarely drank; the reason he spent so many nights unprotected in the backyard tent; the reason his mother had lost herself. He was what had made Xander so doubtful of himself, never quite sure if he was good enough. He had always wondered why his own father couldn’t stand to look at him, and if his father couldn’t, then how could anyone else?

“How will your actions give him a better life, human?” the demon asked. “If you are nothing to him?”

No, Xander thought, not nothing. He was something, but Xander didn’t know exactly what. Certainly, he wasn’t the picture book father figure, but neither was he the he neglectful, abusive drunk that Xander had always assumed him to be. His father was becoming less of the Tony Harris of Xander’s youth with every admission of guilt, and more a man to be pitied.

“He’ll get to keep the one person who hasn’t failed him.”

“Ah, yes, his vampire.” The Forwaan lifted its eyes from Tony to Spike. “You, the demon who would give his existence to save a human. You are unique among your kind, are you not, vampire?”

“Finish this,” Spike ground out, the tension evident in his voice. “Either way. Finish it.”

The Forwaan laughed then; a deep resonating rumble. “In good time. And you,” it said to Xander, “look at what you have. Do you fully understand it, I wonder? Any one of you three would be the perfect exhibit. Such emotions- oh, imagine if we kept you together!”

“You don’t touch my consort,” Spike growled.

The Forwaan shook Spike by his neck, only a quick jerk, but Xander yelled nonetheless, and took a step towards him. “Don’t, please!” As the Forwaan threw a warning glance at him, Xander held himself back with great difficulty.

“Take care with your actions, do not threaten me,” the demon said, pointedly gripping Spike’s neck tighter.

Tony shifted his weight, and pulled on the Forwaan’s robes. “Please, take me. You want an exhibit, I’ll be that for you. You want despair and heartache and regret and guilt, I have that. I have a lifetime of it. Please, let my boy have his vampire.”

The demon snatched its robes from Tony’s hand. “You would allow your offspring to consort with a vampire? You would give your blessing to such a union?” the Forwaan asked.

“It’s not the life I would have chosen for my son. But he’s happy. I can see that. He wanted to die with the demon, he asked you to take them both. He wouldn’t do that unless the vampire meant everything to him.”

“Yes that is so. Could you feel that level of desperation leeching from him, human? I doubt it. Your race is known to be lacking in any depth of empathy. Ah, but your son; he and his master have a bond. Did you know that? Your son feels his mate in a way no other human can. Your son will die without his master,” the Forwaan said casually. “Is that, perhaps, why you make this gesture?”

“No, I didn’t know about the vampire until this week. I don’t know anything about a bond, but if my boy is going to die you have to let the vampire go.” Tony began twisting and writhing under the demon’s foot, panic on his face and in his voice. “You have to let him go, don’t let my boy die. This is all my doing, please, please.”

Xander hated to see his father reduced to this; begging to be allowed to give his life, begging for the demon to give Xander back what he so desperately wanted. Try as he might to feel disgust for the father who had inadvertently given him away, he had none. Instead, he felt the beginnings of sympathy for a man whose life had gone so horribly wrong, and cost him everything.

“Be still, human,” the Forwaan bellowed. “You wish to have your son witness your demise, as well as that of his master?”

Tony immediately stilled. “No, no. Please just take me. I want my boy to be happy. Let him have his vampire.”

“How do you know this vampire will satisfy your offspring?”

“I’ve seen them together. I’ve never seen my boy look like that. The joy in his face. I had that once, with his mother. I lost it.”

“That speaks of your offspring’s feelings. What of the vampire. How do you know he will bring happiness to your son?”

Tony made a series of grunting sounds as he tried to move his head, then gave up. “Look at him. He’s willing to die for my boy. How can I let that happen? My own boy has someone who would give up their life for him. He deserves that. He deserves the love I know that vampire will give him.”

The Forwaan considered Tony for a moment. “You must feel great shame, human,” it said with a malevolent grin. “A demon has provided your only offspring with the love that you were incapable of. Do you feel inadequate? Deficient?”

“Yes! Dammit. Yes I do, but I love my son.” Tears began to run from Tony’s eyes, his voice broke. “Xander, I love you. I’m sorry, son. I am ashamed of myself, but I’m proud of you. I’m so sorry.”

Xander had thought that after years of neglect, he would be indifferent to any apologies his father would ever make. But in all the scenarios he’d constructed, never had he imagined it would be in these circumstances; and never had he thought he would be moved by the pitiable words. But he was. Not to the point of forgiveness, not yet. But he understood the desolation that was his father’s lot, and felt for the man.

“You will suffer this for a very long time won’t you, human?” The Forwaan said, its smile growing impossibly wider. “A long time indeed.”

“Yes, yes,” Tony sobbed. “I’ll take this to my grave. Every day, for twenty years, I’ve lived with the knowledge of what I was doing to my family. I’m not a good man, not a good father, or husband. I have to live with that. I’ll hate myself for the rest of my life for what I did.”

The demon nodded slowly. “In that case, your offer is accepted, human. In this condition, you are much more valuable to us than a dead vampire. Your sacrifice will satisfy the requirements of the original bonding. The Forwaan will have an exhibit.” Without another glance at him, the demon threw Spike to the ground, then bent and snatched at Tony’s hair, pulling him up, with a frightening smile.

While Spike was still getting to his feet, Xander was there, hauling him into a desperate embrace. Xander’s throat seized up, and he had no words for Spike; he just held on for dear life, forcing himself to believe that it really was Spike’s arms, solid and strong, wrapped around him again. Tears burned his eyes, and he made no effort to hold them back as he buried his face in Spike’s cool neck, held there by a comforting hand at the back of his head. Now free, Spike had again opened himself to Xander, and was flooding him with love and reassurance.

Xander’s body shook as Spike held him tight and whispered to him, in a husky, broken voice. Xander tried to focus on the words and the soothing sound, but, at that moment, could only recall how close he had come to losing this. His mind was yanked back to the here and now by the demon’s voice. Xander shifted to Spike’s side, but did not let go of him. He couldn’t. One hand clenched Spike’s shoulder convulsively, the other laced their fingers together and squeezed.

“You have gained a pardon, vampire,” it said to Spike. “Your offer to forfeit your existence, as a means of compensation, is no longer necessary. That is the end of it.”

“What about him?” Spike asked, indicating Tony who stood by the demon, held fast by a fist in his hair.

“He is ours. He will become the exhibit his offspring was destined to be.” The Forwaan looked appreciatively at Tony. “His suffering will provide us with much entertainment. Perhaps you can feel his guilt, vampire? No? A great shame, it is quite intoxicating.”

Xander looked at his father now. His body sagged, held up only by the demon’s strength. His face was wet, his eyes, red. He looked like a man who had been emptied of all hope, and refilled with torment. He was that man.

Tony lifted his head and met Xander’s eyes. For the first time since the demon arrived, Xander connected directly with his father. He gave a nod of acknowledgment to the man for his sacrifice. He didn’t think he was capable of more than that. What could he say in the face of this? Xander held tighter to Spike, taking his strength, taking the comfort of contact with the lover he’d thought he’d lost.

As the demon turned to leave, Tony held up a hand. “Wait, please. Can I say goodbye to my boy first? Please, I promise I’ll come with you, just let me talk to him first, please?”

The demon looked at Xander’s anxious face, then at Tony, and smiled viciously. “Yes, of course. It can only add to your value.” It released Tony’s hair and gave him a push.

Xander had no idea what he could say to his father. He didn’t even know if he could stand to hear what his father would say to him. He felt Spike squeeze his fingers.

“You can do this, love,” Spike whispered. “Let the man say his piece.”

Xander nodded and squeezed back.

Tony stopped in front of him. “Son, I am truly sorry for what I made of your life. I am a weak man. There were many ways I probably should have handled it, but I chose the wrong one and it destroyed my beautiful family. I love you, son, I love your mother. You look after her for me. Tell her-, well, I don’t know what you could tell her. Just make sure she knows I love her and I’m sorry.”

Xander had never thought to hear anything like this from his father. In a way it was harder to hear than the snide comments and insults that had been thrown at him during his years at home. If his father was making this sacrifice so Xander could have a future with Spike then perhaps it was time to forgive, if not forget. “Dad, it’s-.”

“No, Xander,” his father spoke harshly. “Don’t you dare excuse me. Don’t you offer me absolution. I don’t deserve that. Don’t say anything, except to promise me you will take care of your mother and swear to me you will have a good life. I want you both to be happy.”

Xander’s eyes filled with tears and he nodded. “I promise.” Why couldn’t he have known this man sooner? This was a much different man than the wretched, miserable father he had grown up with.

Satisfied, Tony turned to Spike. “You look after my boy. If he is willing to die with you, and you’re willing to die for him, then you must be something special, like he is. I’m trusting you to take care of my son. Give him a good life.”

Tony held out a hand to Spike, who, without hesitation, shook it. Tony then turned to Xander. He raised his arms as though to embrace his son, but seemed unsure and lowered them again with a disappointed sigh. “I am so very sorry, Xander. I can’t tell you enough.” Tony turned to leave.

Xander watched his father turn away, and realised this would be his last chance. If he just let the man go, there would never be another opportunity, and he may just live to regret not having said anything at all; even if he couldn’t offer complete forgiveness. “Dad, wait.”

Tony stopped and faced his son again. Xander reluctantly let go of Spike.

“I know you’re sorry, Dad. I promise I’ll look after Mom, I don’t know what I’ll tell her, but I’ll bring her back, she’ll be okay.” Xander held a hand out to his father. “I understand how all this happened. I understand why you did the things you did.” He stopped short of the exoneration his father didn’t want. Tony stepped forward and took Xander’s hand. They didn’t shake, just held on, and Xander dropped his other hand on his father’s shoulder. Tony gave a grim smile, laid his hand briefly on Xander’s cheek, then moved to step back.

Last chance, Xander thought, and he pulled his father into a quick, one-armed hug. It was the first time he had hugged his father that he could ever remember, and sadly, he felt like a stranger. Xander supposed he was.

Tony let go and walked back to the demon. It was waiting with a small pouch in its hand and, when Tony was again at its side, it sprinkled him with a small amount of powder from the pouch and chanted a brief phrase.

Gold sparks lit the air around Tony, and Xander knew his father belonged to the Forwaan now. He tried not to dwell on exactly what that meant. Spike came to him, and gathered him in close against his side. Together, they watched the Forwaan lead Tony to the portal. As they stepped through, the swirling began again and his father and the demon were gone.

The portal blinked out, the charged air dissipated, and Xander and Spike were left in the alley they’d escaped to such a short time ago. Same alley, different world. Xander turned to Spike, wrapped his arms around him and rested his forehead against Spike’s.

His chest heaved, as Xander battled to keep himself under control. His breath threatened to burst from him, and his eyes, already reddened, burned anew.

“Let go, love,” Spike whispered. “Let go, I’ve got you.”

Xander did. Spike held him tight, as harsh horrible sounds of relief and loss tore from him. There was wetness on his face and his neck, and Xander knew it wasn’t all his alone. Spike kept hold of Xander until he had worn himself out, but even then didn’t let go. They stood there together, pressed against each other from head to foot, till Xander’s body had stilled, his breathing was steady, and his tears had dried completely.

“Spike, I hurt,” Xander said in a raw voice. “I lost my father, and I nearly lost you, and it hurts.”

“I know, love,” Spike said, stroking his fingers over Xander’s face. “I’m sorry about your father, and I’m sorry that what I had to do hurt you so much. But I’d do it again in an instant to keep you safe. Don’t you think that was easy for me, leaving you behind; it tore me up.”

“I want to go home, please, let’s go home,” Xander begged desperately. He wanted out of the alley, away from the store. He wanted nothing but Spike; to hold him and touch him, and reassure himself that it was over, and that he hadn’t lost this one thing he loved beyond all reason.

~*~*~*~*~

The time immediately after that was a blur. Xander knew there were friends, there were words, there were people touching him who weren’t Spike. There were offers of food and drinks and solace, attempts at debriefings and recounts. Xander couldn’t have matched faces with words and actions, it all blended together into a long difficult encounter that wasn’t over soon enough.

He remembered Spike eventually snapping at someone, then leading him outside to the car. Then there was silence. Just him and Spike and the promise that they would go home together, lock the doors and stay as long as Xander wanted. Xander wanted the forever they now had, thanks to his father.

65

Xander let Spike help him from the car and support him up the stairs. As soon as the apartment door closed behind them, he fell against Spike, sagging with relief. He was home. They were home. Spike steered Xander towards the bedroom, where they both quickly changed into soft, comfortable sweatpants and climbed into bed.

Although they got in on opposite sides, they immediately met in the centre, and Xander let Spike’s strong arms pull him down against his chest. It wasn’t right though; it wasn’t enough. Xander could feel Spike, but needed more; could see him, but not well enough to be satisfied. He quickly sat up, divested them both of the sweats, and then rolled so they were face to face. He wound his arms and legs around Spike, holding him tighter than he had ever done.

“You were going to leave me,” Xander whispered, with his forehead pressed against Spike’s. He saw the pain in the blue eyes.

Spike shook his head gently. “I was going to save you.”

“I know, by leaving me.”

Spike sighed. “Yes.”

“You were going to die for me,” Xander persisted.

“Yes.” Spike didn’t hesitate to answer.

“You love me that much?”

“You didn’t know?”

Xander considered this, then nodded. “I knew. I know.”

“You wanted to go with me. You love me that much,” Spike pointed out.

“So much more than that. I just don’t have enough words to tell you.”

“You don’t need to, love.”

Spike opened himself up more than he ever had, and the sudden rush of emotions hit Xander like a wall of warm water. He drew a startled breath as the full truth of Spike’s feelings sunk in. There could be nothing to Spike that Xander didn’t feel in this onslaught. He hoped that this time, if he concentrated enough, wanted it enough, he could return himself in kind. Xander gathered everything he felt for Spike. Boosted by the extreme events, and the boundless relief of not having lost Spike, he pulled together every ounce of love, and focused intently on sharing that with him.

When he felt the surge, Xander knew that he was at last able to give all of himself, and a completely unrestrained channel opened between them. What he’d had on occasion before was nothing compared to this. Over the last couple of months, he’d gotten glimpses of what was possible. He’d felt the way Spike was able to share with him, but this was so much more.

It was a melding of themselves, a tide of everything they had for each other, everything they had the potential for- devotion, passion, friendship, lust, joy. It washed over him, over them both. It shared all that they were, and left nothing unknown. Xander clung to Spike and let it overwhelm him. He felt it soften the sharp edges of the fears and panic of their encounter.

There was moaning, and he knew he was on his back, but not how he’d gotten there. He knew Spike was inside him but not when it had happened. His senses were buffeted by the waves of physical sensations and raw emotions. The prick of fangs in his neck, Spike’s skin in his mouth, then the rich taste of his master’s blood. The love and lust flowed freely between them and when they peaked, Xander didn’t know if the climax he was experiencing was his or Spike’s, or was one shared that engulfed them both.

Xander allowed it to carry him into sleep. He was aware that Spike was awake, and felt the comfort and safety of knowing Spike was there, watching over him. He slept easily for a short time, but nightmares soon took over.

Through his haze, Xander heard Spike’s soft whispers, registered the cool hand stroking over his face. He surfaced from the horrors of reliving Spike’s sacrifice, and drifted back to sleep again. Several times that first night Xander woke in a panic, and every time, Spike was there for him; holding, talking, soothing, reassuring.

**********

On Sunday night, Xander woke shouting, startled out of sleep by images of his father at the hands of the Forwaan. Spike curled in behind, wrapping strong arms around him.

“He doesn’t deserve that, Spike.”

“It was his choice, love. It’s what he wanted to redeem himself.”

“Is it fair? It wasn’t his fault. Not at first.”

“Course it’s not fair. But neither is the life he gave you and your mother back then. It didn’t have to be like that. He made some bad choices, but now, in his mind, he’s balanced that out. You don’t have to like it, you just have to respect it.”

“I hate it.”

“What was the alternative, love?”

Xander sighed. “Unbearable.”

**********

While Xander slept on Monday morning, after a disturbed night, Spike called Nathan, told him there had been a family emergency, and Xander would need a couple of days. Nathan readily agreed, and bid Spike take care of him.

They spent the day lying together, touching, rarely apart. Xander spoke of his father often, and made the connections between random memories and Tony’s search for Kirk and the Forwaan.

“He must have gone to so many bars, and he wouldn’t have found anything,” Xander said. “He could have gone to every bar, in every town, every day and he wouldn’t have found anything. They weren’t in this dimension.”

“Not bloody surprising then, he got into drinking, if that’s where he was spending his days.”

“He should have told someone, asked for help. He should have told us, instead of making our lives a misery.”

“If he came home soused again, and told your mother a demon was going take her son, what would she have said?” Spike looked doubtfully at him. “Who could he have asked, love? There was no watcher here. The demons in Willy’s or the Lion wouldn’t have given him any information, even if he’d known what to ask; not without a lot more money than he would have been willing to give up. What could he do?”

“I don’t know.”

“Neither did he, mate.”

**********

Xander looked up from where he lay in Spike’s lap. “I don’t know if I could have gone to Angel.”

Spike didn’t say anything, just stared down at him, and kept on running his fingers through Xander’s hair.

“I don’t know if I ever will.” Xander reached up and stilled his hand.

“It’s your choice, yeah?”

“I choose for you never to do that again. Never put me in that position; not intentionally.”

“I’ll do what I need to do, if it keeps you safe.”

“I’m not sure I want to be safe if it means I’m alone.”

“You’d have your friends.”

“Not for as long as I’m supposed to have you. What about when they’re gone?”

“It will still be your choice.”

Xander nodded and thought about it. “I don’t think I’ll choose Angel.”

Spike fingers combed through Xander’s hair again. “Wait and see, love, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

**********

On Wednesday morning, dressed for work, Xander stood at the door, his arms around Spike, lazily kissing him, while trying to ignore the clock. When it had ticked over another five minutes, Xander pulled away and sighed.

“Sure you’re ready, love?” Spike asked.

“No, but I’m going anyway.”

“You don’t have to go back yet. Nate said take as long as you want.”

“If I take any longer, I won’t want to go back at all.”

“Suits me, love. I can keep you busy.”

Xander laughed. “If we can’t pay the rent, you’ll have to keep me busy back in your crypt. No cable, no plumbing, could get messy.”

“Sponge baths?” Spike smiled hopefully.

“Bucket, or hole-in-the-ground latrine? Which would go better with the décor?”

“Bloody humans.” Spike growled and pushed him towards the door.

“I love you, grouchy vampire.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Spike handed Xander his cell phone. “Call me on your break.”

**********

Xander took his lunch to the cool, shaded spot under the tree. It was quiet and comfortable and he leaned back against the trunk, taking out his cell.

“Hey, Bleachie, did I wake you?”

Spike’s voice was slow and croaky. “Yeah, but I told you to, didn’t I?”

“I miss you. I wish I were home.”

“I can get more work, love. Get more money for us, you wouldn’t have to go in so much.”

“I like my job.”

“Your choice. You okay?”

“I’m just feeling a bit needy. I’m allowed.”

“Course you are, mate.”

Xander looked up and smiled as someone approached. “I have to go.”

“Love you, Harris.”

Xander answered with a touch of mischief in his voice. “Show me when I get there, okay, master?”

Spike groaned. “You’re a bloody tease, consort.”

Xander laughed and snapped the phone closed as Tara sat down beside him.



“Hey, Xan.”

He leaned over and kissed her cheek. “Hi. What brings you out, on this sunny hump day?”

“You. I wanted to see how you were.”

“I’m okay. Working towards good. Aiming to hit fantastic by middle of next week.”

“And Spike?”

“He’s resilient; comes from being really old. He’s good too.”

“I have something for you.” Tara dug around in her satchel and pulled out a heavy brown sack.

Xander’s heart thumped harder for a few beats as he realised what it was. He took it from her outstretched hand.

“I’d forgotten about this,” he said, nursing Tony Harris’ bag of money.

“It was in the alley. After you left, Willow and I found it.”

Xander hefted it. “That’s a lot of money.”

“We didn’t open it.”

He fingered the wads of paper through the sack. “Twenty years worth. No wonder they still have a mortgage.”

Xander spared a thought for his father. If it hadn’t been for his actions, Xander might have been halfway to Los Angeles by now, and looking at a very different future. Or, depending on his decision, he could have been dying. Xander found himself with a good deal of sympathy for the man, and some regret that he’d not truly known the person his father was. Maybe that was something else he needed talk to his mother about.

“Thanks, Tara. I know what to do with this.” He put the bag aside and offered her a sandwich. They ate in silence for a while.

“Xan, there’s something I want to do for you.”

Xander looked at her curiously.

“If you want me to that is, you can say no if you like. I just thought-.”

“My aura?” Xander asked.

Tara nodded. “I thought you might want to know if the spell is gone.”

“What if it’s not?”

Tara shrugged. “It’s your choice, Xan.”

“Now suddenly everything is my choice.” Xander snorted. “Okay, do it. I want to know.”

“Sure?”

Xander waved his hand impatiently. “Do your thing.”

Tara turned to face him squarely as she stared into the air around his body.

Xander waited, trying to be calm and patient, and figuring that he’d failed miserably. He brightened, though, when he saw Tara smile.

“All clear.”

“Nothing?” he asked hopefully.

“Well, no spell- that’s completely gone, even the tracking part I can’t see any more. But-,” she hesitated. “Your aura is, is, um, well, it’s just beautiful, Xander. Spike’s not even here but I can see him in your colours. It’s just-, you guys are-,” Tara sighed. “I can see what you two have. It’s amazing. You’re happy aren’t you?”

Xander just grinned.

“I can see. There’s a bit of conflict, a bit of unrest, that’s got to be related to um, to um-.”

“Kirk, the Forwaan, my dad.”

“Yeah, those. But it’s not overwhelming you is it? Those colours aren’t as strong. You’re on top of it.”

“Yeah, I think I am.”

**********

On Friday night, they patrolled. A normal night as far as they usually went- a few vampires, the odd demon. For Xander it was one of the more difficult patrols. Less than a week after he'd nearly been taken by demons, the potential loss of Spike- and the real loss of his father- the stress of watching Spike fight normal patrol nasties was more than he was able to cope with.

So Xander threw himself into every fight, gave his all and made sure that Spike was not touched. He went up against demons and vampires, both barehanded and armed. He pulled together his consort strength, speed and coordination along with the combat skills Spike had taught him to bring down as many of their foes as he was able.

Spike and Buffy let him go, stepping in occasionally when he got in too deep, but it eventually came to a head when Xander discarded his weapon and laid into a half-dead demon, pounding it mercilessly. Only the fact that the demon had been stalking children in playgrounds, in the late afternoon, stopped them from pulling Xander off immediately.

Xander slammed his fists into the demon’s head until his hands were bleeding, he ignored the pain of the cuts and hairline fractures in his hands. He didn’t realise he was crying until Spike pulled him off the now-dead demon and dragged him away to a more private spot.

“Come on, love,” Spike said, holding him close. “You need to calm down.”

Xander relaxed into Spike’s arms and steadied himself. “I hated not being able to touch them- Kirk or the Forwaan. I couldn’t do anything to help you or my father. This one I could hurt.”

“Just this one?”

“Yeah, just one. I’m good now.” Xander gave Spike a rueful look. “But my hands hurt.”

**********

Even though they were halfway healed, Rose gave Xander some lotion for his hands when they went for a meal on Saturday night.

“You boys and your fighting, I’d tan your behinds for you, if I didn’t worry that you might enjoy it.”

Spike smirked. “You could try, pet, and see what happens.”

“William, if you give Thomas any ideas, I will make your life miserable,” Rose said, pointing a surprisingly intimidating finger. “Go and sit down, I’ll get your food in a minute.”

As they headed to their table, the front door opened and Bilarl came in, his face lighting up when he saw Spike and Xander.

Spike tugged Xander’s arm, and together they went to greet the young demon.

“Xander! Master Spike!”

“Hey Bill,” Xander said, shaking his hand.

Spike nodded seriously at Bilarl, who looked slightly anxious, as did Xander until he picked up what Spike was about to do. “Bilarl. I saw what you did. You tried to help. There was nothing you could have done, but you did your best to help me and my consort.” Spike reached out to an awestruck Bilarl, and laid a hand on his shoulder. “You have my gratitude. Anything I can do for you, you let me know. You have the protection and respect of the Aurelian line. I’ll tell Angelus of how you tried to help his family.”

Xander thought Bill might cry, but he pulled himself together and stood proudly. “I’m sorry I couldn’t do anything, Master Spike, but I am pleased you and Consort Xander are safe.” Bilarl turned to Xander. “I’m sorry about your dad. He got a rough deal all the way.”

Xander just nodded and patted Bilarl on the shoulder. Spike bought drinks for the three of them and they sat at the bar until Rose brought their food out. Bill stayed at the bar chatting proudly with Tom, while Xander and Spike went to their usual booth.

Xander slid in next to Spike, leaned over and kissed him. “I love you, you big softy.”

“Shut up, Harris, I’m not soft.” Spike pushed a plate of food towards him. “Bilarl hurt himself trying to get through that barrier. I’m not going to overlook that just because he pisses me off on the odd occasion. I give credit where it’s due.”

Xander looked at him sceptically.

“Okay fine, except if it’s the bloody slayer. She’s already a pumped up bi-.” Spike scowled as he pulled out the large piece of bread Xander had stuffed in his mouth.

**********

“Do you know what you’re going to say?” Spike asked as Xander hunted for his car keys.

“I have an idea, I think. I have to tell her something, Spike, she’s so worried.”

“Well, it’s been a week, she was bound to notice your dad was gone. Honestly, I thought it might have been a bit sooner.”

“Yeah, well, it all depends on how many bottles she had in stock, I suppose.” Xander dug down the back of the couch, throwing several empty tubes on the floor, before coming up triumphantly with his keys. “Hopefully, she’ll have run out by now, and will be sober so I’ll only have to tell her this once.”

“You sure you don’t want me to come with you, love?”

“No, it’s okay. I want to do this.” Xander took his coat from Spike’s hands. “I hope I can avoid the whole demon route, and just tell her he got mixed up in something bigger than he could handle, and it finally caught up with him. She knows something happened that day he went out with his friend. She knows she had twenty years of hell to live through. I just want her to know he never meant it to happen. It was a bad situation he didn’t know how to get out of.”

“You can do it, mate. You just call if you need me, yeah?”

“I will.”

Xander kissed Spike, tucked the heavy, brown sack under his arm and left with a hopeful smile.

**********

Xander’s twenty-third birthday couldn’t have been more different than his last. They’d avoided the Magic Box, and instead, had set up in Buffy’s backyard. Willow and Tara, aided by Tom, had provided some extra-strong wards around the perimeter, ensuring no surprise guests. The garden was hung with strings of tiny lights, and a soft breeze blew.

Bilarl had insisted on supplying music, and after less than subtle sniffing around, had managed to come up with a playlist that, surprisingly, satisfied nearly everyone. Except Giles, who insisted that it was all thirty years too late to be considered real music and was merely irritating background noise.

Anya was doing her best not to steal Xander’s thunder, but still managed to show off her new engagement ring to everybody several times over before the first bowl of chips had emptied. She’d cornered Xander a week ago and told him her news, and with a rare blush, asked him to give her away. After checking with her that he wasn’t stepping on D’Hoffryn’s toes and bringing down curses of many kinds upon himself, Xander readily agreed.

Xander wandered around the party, happy and relaxed. His eyes met Spike’s and he smiled, reaching out to him through their bond. It was almost as good as a touch. Almost. During the few months after his last birthday, when he’d still been reluctant to be without Spike for any length of time, Xander had put in the effort and had been rewarded with just as much control over their link as Spike had. He was elated to discover just how connected they had become.

Xander said he could even sense Spike when he was at work, if it was a day when the wind was blowing just right. Spike scoffed at that, and said it was more likely to be a day when Xander hadn’t stuffed himself full of sugar and shorted out his brain function.

Tonight, Xander was content to spend time chatting with his friends and connecting with Spike wherever he happened to be. At that moment, Xander could see Spike and Tom, surrounded by a cloud of cigarette and cigar smoke, had been banished by Willow to ‘carcinogen corner’.

“I don’t know how you can stand the smell, Xan,” Willow told him, following his eye line to Spike.

Xander shrugged. “It’s just Spike to me. Cigarettes, whiskey, leather and blood. He smells like home. Isn’t there something that’s just Tara for you?”

“Flowers and herbs. And pancakes,” Willow said smiling as her gaze settled on Tara. “With syrup.”

Xander laughed. “Spike would kick my ass if I told him he smelled like baked goods.”

“Technically fried, but, yeah, I can’t see that going down too well. Sugary treats are not the most manly fragrance.”

Xander watched Spike and pondered. Cookies? Twinkies? Pie? He laughed again, as Spike turned and shot him a look that told Xander he knew exactly what they were talking about, and the words had best never leave Xander’s lips.

“It always amazes me when I see you guys use your amazing consorty powers of mind control.”

“It’s technically not mind control, Will. There’s gotta be a better word for it.”

“Maybe, but not one that gets Spike all cranky and grouchy like that does.”

“You know if he bites you, it’ll be your own fault right?” Xander said, with a grin.

“He won’t bite me. He likes it when we make him mad, it gives him a excuse to be all ‘big bad evil vampire’ at us.”

“Like he needs an excuse,” Buffy snorted, stopping by Xander’s side and passing him a fresh coke. “Must be his age- don’t men get grumpier as they get older? And he’s pretty darn old, isn’t he, Xan?”

“Okay, enough picking on my vamp. No wonder he’s always trying to get out of going to the Magic Box, if you two keep riding him. Leave my man alone and I’ll leave yours alone.”

Buffy smiled at a solid looking guy in jeans and a T-shirt, who was engaged in conversation with Anya and Simon, his long-time friend. “My man would eat you for breakfast,” Buffy scoffed, then corrected herself. “Okay, maybe not as literally as yours would; Coops is all human and everything.”

Matt Cooper gave Buffy a small wave, and Xander a good natured flip of the finger.

Xander sent it back with a happy grin. “Yeah, if you call someone who eats a farm worth of fruit and vegetables every day ‘human’. That’s not normal in my book, missy. Neither is all that exercise. Martial arts, football, running in the park- even though there’s nothing undead chasing him.” Xander gave an exaggerated shiver. “The guy just creeps me out.”

“Says the consort with blood on his breath and a permanent bite on his neck,” Buffy said with raised eyebrows.

“Hey, it comes with the territory, my man has fangs,” Xander said, taunting Buffy into a familiar routine.

“Mine has a pulse.”

“Mine is stronger than yours.”

“Mine is younger.”

“Mine is immortal.”

“But mine is better looking.”

“No way! Look at mine.”

“I am, and I’m trying to keep that slice of pizza down.”

“Oh now you’re asking for it, Summers.”

“Bring it on, Harris.”

“Okay, I think maybe it’s time for all good twelve year olds to behave themselves,” Willow said. “Or no birthday cake for you.”

“Ooh, there’s cake? Where cake?” Xander asked, looking around.

“Of course there’s cake, Xan. What’s a birthday without cake?” Willow asked, leading him over to a table.

The back door of Buffy’s house squeaked as Rose held it open. With an elaborately decorated slab cake balanced on a tray, Jessica Harris carefully negotiated the stairs and stopped in front of her son, placing the cake on the table and waving her hand.

“Ta-da!” she sang happily. “From my very own hands. Happy birthday, Xander.”

Xander gave an enormous grin and hugged his mother. “Thanks, Mom. I think this is a first isn’t it?”

“Well not exactly, but it’s been a long time. I did make your first and second birthday cakes.” Jessica quickly recovered from the cloud that passed over her face at the mention of Xander’s second birthday. “I didn’t think you’d like a blue choo-choo train this time though, Xander.”

“Oh I don’t know, pet. He’s not the most grown up of consorts now, is he?” Spike joined Xander, and got a whack on the backside for his comment.

“That’s right, Spike, what were you telling me just last week?” Jessica said, with a sly look at Xander. “He’d requested Twinkies, chocolate milk and cartoons for his birthday breakfast. My son may be a bit different to other boys now, but some things don’t change.”

“Hey! It’s my birthday.”

“So how is that different to every other weekend, when you sneak the junk food for breakfast and wake me up with cartoons?”

“Well this time there were presents too,” Xander said, smugly.

There were candles and blowing, there was slicing and cutting and there were more presents. Xander oohed and aahed equally over all of them, then, as everyone drifted off to dance, drink or talk, he found a quiet spot in the garden. While he waited for Spike to join him, knowing it wouldn’t be long before Spike sensed he was alone, Xander sat down and settled in for some people watching

Buffy was happy with Coops; she was over her initial reluctance to having been set up by Anya, and Coops was over his shock at discovering the life she led. A contented Anya was deep into wedding plans again, and Xander was happy for her. Judging by the way her hands were moving about, and the horrified looks on the girl’s faces, she’d gotten to the bridesmaid’s dresses. Xander was thankful he’d be allowed to just wear a nice tux.

He felt a familiar stirring and smiled as Spike approached and sat down with him.

“Having a bit of time out, love?” Spike asked, wrapping an arm around him.

“Yeah, just working through the last dose of calories.” Xander leaned in for a long kiss, breaking it off just before the point where they would have to excuse themselves and rush home.

“You were looking a bit introspective.”

“Maybe more retrospective. Especially tonight.”

Spike raised an eyebrow and studied him. “You okay? You feel okay to me.”

“Yeah, I’m good. That last birthday, that’s all over with now. Long over. I’m just enjoying where we all are right now.”

“We had a bumpy start, love, but I told you it would get easier.”

“You did, and it did. For everyone.”

“Your mum?”

“Look at her, Spike. She’s happy.” Xander watched his mother. She and Rose had their heads together discussing something. He shook his head and gave a soft laugh. “I never thought I would see my mom happy, let alone with a Joudel demon for a best friend. I bet they’re talking about a recipe. Since Mom took those cooking classes, it’s all those two do now. Well, apart from Mom sharing embarrassing baby stories about me.”

“She’s excited, mate. She’s finally doing something for herself now.”

“Yeah, it’s nice. I’m glad she settled now. Well almost.”

“Give her time, love. She’ll talk about him eventually.”

“I know, I shouldn’t push. I won’t.” Xander sighed and leaned into Spike. “It’s weird, he’s only been there a few hours, but we’ve had a year to get past it.”

“We are past it, aren’t we?”

“Yeah, we are.”

“So, love, what do you want to do for your next birthday?”

“Twinkies, chocolate milk and cartoons.”

Spike groaned. “And the year after?”

“Um, maybe, cartoons Twinkies and chocolate milk? Mix it up a little.”

Spike took Xander’s face in his hands and kissed him.

“Are you ever going to change, love?”

“Nope!” Xander said happily.

Spike smiled and kissed him again. “Good.”

The End

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