Chapters <<<< 13 14

Behind Closed Doors

by
Jane Davitt

Part Thirteen

By the time the guests turned up we were dressed, the turkey was cooking, and Giles was peeling and chopping away at assorted vegetables I wasn’t planning on eating.

I’d offered to help earlier on, before they arrived, but there wasn’t much room in there and he’d quirked his eyebrow and told me to get out the good wine glasses instead. Told me. Because I’d waited until we were both ready for visitors and then told him that I’d finished playing with one of my presents and as far as I was concerned he could take it back to the shop, so to speak. He’d turned to look at me and I’m not sure if he was relieved or disappointed. Didn’t matter. I wasn’t budging on this.

“I said you could have the whole day,” he pointed out. “You’re sure?”

I kept my distance. I had a feeling that today I’d only have to get within arms reach of him to be wanting him, no matter how often we’d fucked, and I wanted to tell him this without interruptions. He had that little smile on his face, the one that barely lifts the corners of his mouth but changes his expression as dramatically as a grin. OK, maybe I shouldn’t look at him either...

“Giles, it’s not that I don’t get off on you down on your knees for me.” Could have phrased that better. His eyes went green, the way they did when he was concentrating on me, just me, and I stepped towards him before I could stop myself. “Fuck. Don’t look like that.”

“Like what?” He sounded interested and his voice was level but I could feel him react as if I was inside his skin. He wasn’t hard again; too soon since the last time, but he was aroused, as much as he had been on the stairs a while earlier. I watched his hands, not his face. He could keep that expressionless without trying, but his hands gave him away. His fingers were curling closed, the nails digging into his palms and as he saw my eyes shift to them, he spread them flat and pressed them against the counter top he was leaning on. Then they curled and gripped tightly again.

“You know,” I said, folding my arms to keep myself still.

“Spike, we’ve got a lot to do and no time for games. If you’ve got something to tell me, I suggest you –”

I cut him off. He’d made that sound bored, slightly impatient, but I’d long since figured out how fake that tone of voice was. He used it to goad me or to hide behind. He used it to make me think he was angry. Now? Hiding.

“Giles, face it. You’re not set up for submitting, not to me, not to anyone. Listen to you; even before I told you I wanted to stop this, you were telling me you wanted side plates, making me refold the bloody napkins in triangles not squares. You were supposed to be obeying me, remember? Not just when you’re being fucked; well, it never is for me. You want me to be honest here?”

His eyes glinted. “Anything else has never been an option for you under this roof.”

“See? Listen to you! Giles, it won’t work. Not for a day, not for an hour longer and I don’t fucking want it. Not...right this way. Doesn’t feel right.”

“We can stop, Spike,” he said, his voice soft now. “I hadn’t realised how difficult it would be to swap places like this. I thought I could –” He stopped, shook his head ruefully and met my eyes. “I’ve spent so much of my life being told what to do, that you’d think I’d be used to it by now, but I’m not. The only way I can be persuaded to play along –“

“Not playing here. And I know what does it, Giles. Guilt. State you were in when this started, six months ago, I could have had you agreeing to obey me easily enough. Could have broken you, too, if I’d wanted that. Once I’d got you under me...oh, you’d have been sweet, you really would. But I didn’t, did I?”

“No, you didn’t,” he agreed. His arms were folded now and he was tense, watching me carefully.

“That’s because I’m not stupid.”

“Did I ever say you were?”

I glared at him. “Well, yes. Often. Want details?”

“Spare me. So you don’t think I housebreak well?”

Had to grin at that image. “Giles, I might have been able to break you when you were so fucking low you were ready to top yourself, no pun intended, but once you’d snapped out of it? No way.”

He smiled at that, looking almost flustered. “That’s – well, I’m flattered.”

“By me telling you you’re a stubborn git?” I sighed. “It wasn’t exactly a compliment, you know.”

“Coming from you, I rather think it was.”

Like most of our meaningful discussions, this one had died a death. Didn’t matter. I’d got Giles and me back where we belonged for now and it was getting late. I turned away, heading back to the table, wondering just how I could end up sitting close enough to Giles to be able to touch him and knowing I couldn’t because he’d expect me to sit at the foot, opposite him. He said my name and I glanced back.

“Spike? My present...? It isn’t something I shouldn’t open in front of the others, is it?” He sounded casual but I could see him fretting, just a little.

I grinned. “Going to make you wait even longer, just for that.”

He frowned and muttered something under his breath that I pretended not to hear and then said idly, “The collar wasn’t the only present I had with your name on it, you know.”

“It didn’t have my name on it,” I pointed out, keeping a smile off my face very carefully.

“Are you trying to change the subject? Or just in dire need of a spanking?”

I grinned then. “Hold that thought, Giles. I hear footsteps.”

“God, it’s like living with a guard dog sometimes.”

“Except I can’t bite,” I said, opening the door. Giles joined me, taking advantage of the crush to smack my backside in passing, and started in on the usual greetings no one listens to or answers. I stepped back and watched the room fill up with noise and excitement. Not sure how much of it was real and how much for Dawn’s sake, but she was beaming happily and shaking her hair back to show off sparkling earrings from Willow and that seemed genuine enough, though I could tell she’d been crying at some point.

Then someone spotted where Xander was standing. Right under the mistletoe. I’d snuck a bit from the shop just before Christmas. I didn’t have to of course; Giles would have given it to me if I’d asked, but I couldn’t believe how much Anya was selling it for. In England you could buy a big bunch of it, fresh and sticky, for a quid or two; she wanted triple that for a sprig of the stuff. Ripoff, so I stole some on principle and got Giles when he came home that night, kissing him before he had chance to say ‘hello’ and not stopping until the only thing he had to say when I stopped was, “Upstairs. Now.” Got to love traditions. He still spanked me for nicking it though, which definitely came under the heading of ‘acceptable risk’. Or ‘bonus’.

Xander tried to move but he got hit by a wave of girls, all over him until he was grinning like a fool. Then they remembered Giles and flocked to the kitchen, ignoring him when he pointed out that he wasn’t under the mistletoe, so technically – then Anya grabbed him and I looked away before Giles caught me laughing at his expression of polite terror. Xander was standing still and I started to walk over to him, thinking I’d be a good host and dump the coats upstairs, out of the way. Then I stopped moving. He was looking at me, and as soon as he had my attention he glanced up at the mistletoe and then raised an eyebrow.

Fuck. It threw me and he saw it, giving me a smile that wasn’t nasty exactly; think we’d gone past mutual loathing, but it wasn’t friendly either. Git was challenging me. Huh. He’d have to do better than that. One kiss? Not a problem my end, though he wasn’t my type. Took one step forward, planning on wiping the grin off his face and making him blush, and then hesitated. Giles wouldn’t like it. Not Xander. That was all it took to make the whole pissing contest a waste of time. I shook my head, just a fraction, and watched him sneer faintly. Then he bit his lip and Giles’ hand came down on my shoulder, squeezing it firmly. We stood there, side by side, with the chatter of the girls in the kitchen insulating us, locking the three of us inside a quiet space, cold and still, and Xander stared at us, still chewing on his lip, looking as if he was one breath away from growling.

God, that boy was more trouble than all of them put together. Giles let me go and walked over to him. Four steps, and Xander’s face was all I could see, but it went from hackles raised to puppy- eyed fawning and I bet Giles’ face hadn’t changed at all. Giles rested his hand on Xander’s shoulder and brought his other hand up, pulling Xander to him for a quick hug. “Happy Christmas, Xander,” he said.

I went back to setting the table. If Giles kissed him, I didn’t want to watch, and if Xander started sniveling I’d kick him out myself. Dawn was behaving herself and he could too.

The background noise of the girls getting drinks died away and I looked over at the kitchen to find them staring at me, four women, four identical looks of appraisal on their faces. Giles and Xander were talking, nice and normal, Giles complaining that one of the windows was sticking, Xander offering to sand it down sometime or something – all good stuff not likely to lead to drama even if it was a bit obvious. So, if they weren’t picking up on the tension, and I don’t think they’d noticed anything, why were they staring – oh, fuck.

“Vampires don’t do Christmas,” I said firmly. “It’s against the rules. Besides, I’m nowhere near the mistletoe.” Not that that had saved Giles.

Willow grinned and murmured a few words and looked up, smiling, at a ceiling covered with green and white. Tara sighed and then shook her head indulgently. “You will take it away again, won’t you?”

“Eventually,” Willow said pertly. Tara pursed up her lips and tried to look stern. Needed some lessons from Giles; that wouldn’t have scared a two year old.

Willow came over to me and kissed me before I had chance to run. Warm little armful, but I could feel the power crackling off her and it unsettled me a little. Tara followed her and kissed my cheek, hugging me as if she wanted to, then Anya grabbed me and made the most of it until I expected Xander to come over and drag her off. She still tasted of Giles and that wasn’t helping to calm me down. Dawn made it all better, looking up at me with that sweet little smile she has and trying to make her mind up what to do. Saved her the trouble; I put my hands on her shoulders, said, “Merry Christmas, Little Bit,” and brushed her forehead with a kiss.

She stared up at me, pulled a face and grabbed me, planting a kiss full on my mouth and hugging me hard. “You’re so old fashioned sometimes, Spike.”

“Well, yeah. Comes of being born before your great grandmother, I suppose.”

I was feeling happy. Hadn’t wanted them all here but now they were – then I felt a tap on my arm and turned around to see Giles looking at me. “Is there some reason I don’t get a kiss?” he said.

I glanced around. Anya and Xander and Tara and Willow were taking advantage of the magical mistletoe, which was slowly fading away, and Dawn had found the bowl of chips and was getting crumbs everywhere. “Can’t think of one.”

Giles kissed me, arms around me, a proper kiss but not making a production out of it, and I reached up to touch his face as he pulled back, smiling.

Looked around to see everyone was watching us and looking fucking sappy if they weren’t Xander. He was staring at the floor. They’d all mellowed the last few months but it took Christmas to get that look in their eyes. Or maybe Giles had put rum in the eggnog after all.

“You two,” Dawn said. “You’re so big with the smoochies. It’s gross at your age. Do we open the presents now?”

Part Fourteen

Wasn’t a bad day, all things considered, but I was glad when they left around eleven, Dawn protesting that she wasn’t tired even though her eyes were shadowed. She’d cried a bit, not much, when she’d finished opening her presents, looking at the heap of stuff as if she was expecting one more...but she’d not made it into a big deal. Felt proud of her.

Then the door closed and it was just Giles and me.

“That went well,” he said, pouring out the last of the wine into his glass and raising it to me in a toast.

I stared at the dishes heaped up in the kitchen. “I’ll agree if you tell me we can tidy up tomorrow.”

He smiled. “Just this once.” He raised the glass and studied it, looking casual. “Er, Spike?”

“Yeah?”

“It’s customary to exchange gifts on the day itself, you know.”

“Only in modern times,” I pointed out. “When I was a boy –” He just looked at me and I sighed. “You’re never satisfied, are you? Got all those socks and you’re after more?”

“Not really.”

I went to him and knelt down beside the couch in front of him. He cocked his head and looked at me. “No thank you; I already have a Spike.”

“Funny man.”

I reached under the couch and hauled out his present and passed it to him. His eyes widened. “You hid it there? I looked – well, that is, I - ”

“Giles, I’m shocked.”

“Really?”

I pursed my lips. “Little bit.”

He moved forward and I put my hands on his thighs, liking that I could touch him now after hours of being careful not to, not to push it past that one kiss earlier, no matter how well that had gone over with the others.

“Poor, disillusioned Spike,” he murmured. “I shall have to make it up to you; restore your faith in my utter lack of interest in all things material.” He reached for his present. “In a moment or two, anyway.”

I sat back on my heels to watch him open it and he paused, frowned and reached out for me, pulling me up beside him. I’d used the gift wrap from the shop, fending off Anya when she tried to help and growling at her when she’d fussed about ribbons and bows. Might not be able to make it look fancy but even I could wrap a flat square. Giles tore the paper away and stared down in silence.

“I looked through your records when you were at work. Worked out your favourites, what was missing or scratched to hell...sent off for these and got them delivered to the shop. Anya knew. Helped me get them. Would’ve got more but –” I touched his arm. “Say something. Oh, wait.” I reached out and took his glasses off carefully and polished them on my shirt. “There you go. Saved you the trouble.”

He took them from my hand and put them and the records on the table beside the couch.

“Thank you, Spike.” He looked at me. “I’m – a little lost for words.”

“Doesn’t matter. You like them, yeah?”

He nodded without taking his eyes off me.

“Want to play one? See how it sounds?”

He hesitated and then grinned, running his hand over my chest and down. “I was about to be very ungrateful and say ‘no’ because I’ve been patient enough, don’t you think?” His fingers found my cock, hard, as it had been since the door closed, and touched it lightly. “It occurs to me though, that in the time it takes for me to put one of them on, you can strip and be waiting for me. No time wasted and I get to fuck you to music. Very civilised.”

“You’ll still need to get undressed though,” I pointed out.

“That won’t take long,” Giles said. “You can wait.”

Looked him over - trousers, sweater, socks and shorts - shrugged. “Suppose so.”

Three tracks and one side later and though everything else was in a heap on the floor, he still had the sweater on, the sleeves shoved up, the wool tickling me when he moved against me, kissing me in patterns, touching me everywhere. I’d come, shouting out his name as he smiled down at me, eyes fierce and triumphant, but he hadn’t, not yet. Trying to prove something, I suppose. Fine, but I wanted him in me, deep inside me. He slipped to the floor, leaning back against the couch I was lying on, his chest rising and falling as he breathed in deeply.

“You look hot, Giles.”

He lifted up his head and smiled. “Thank you.”

“Not like that – well –” I looked down at him; long legs sprawled out, cock hard and ready, that fucking sweater rucked up and his arms and throat bare. “Yes, like that, but –”

“You could just say, ‘Take off your sweater, Giles, stop arsing around and fuck me.’”

I laughed at his innocent expression. He’d done that before, just playing around and leading me to my doom, but I wasn’t falling for it twice. Or three times. “I say something like that to you and you’ll either get all stubborn and make me wait longer –”

“I wonder why that sounds so familiar?”

“Or you’ll tell me I’m being cheeky and  -”

Giles studied his hand and said, “Yes?” very politely as he flexed his fingers.

“Or you’ll think of something else entirely,” I finished, giving him a dry look.

“I exist only to keep you in a perpetual state of perplexity by the sounds of it. Might I point out that you’re the one delaying matters?” He picked that moment to lay a hand on his thigh, fingers spread and then moved his hand upwards slowly, brushing against his cock and looking up at me.

I threw my head back and groaned, trying not to laugh. “Fine. ‘Take off your sweater, Giles, stop arsing around and fuck me’. There; satisfied? Do your worst.”

He skinned it off over his head and smoothed his hair back down. “Are you tired, Spike?”

“Huh? Seriously, or do you just want to go upstairs?”

“Both.”

“Creature of the night, remember? I’m good for hours yet. Besides; it’s only just gone twelve.”

Giles arched an eyebrow. “So it has. If this is Boxing Day, you’re underdressed.”

Sometimes I think he’s three steps ahead of me. I lifted my hand slowly to my neck, feeling the ghost-weight of the collar there already, and watched him smile. Made me shiver.

He led me to the bedroom and then stood there with the collar in his hand. I didn’t even wait for him to tell me to kneel and I didn’t take my eyes off his face as he slipped it around my neck.

“Mine,” he said softly. I remembered him saying that to me the first night. I hadn’t answered him then, but I did now.

“Yours.”

“Yes.” He hooked a finger in my collar and tugged upwards slightly. I stood up, making it smooth, feeling my skin tingle waiting for him to touch it. “What shall I do with you, Spike?”

I watched his mouth move, lost in the shape of it, a hundred memories of it against my body. “Anything you want, Giles. Anything at all.”

He caught his breath and said softly, “You say that without reservations, without doubt.”

I frowned. “I trust you.” It was that simple. I would have added, ‘I love you,’ but that wasn’t so simple and he knew it already.

His hand came up to my face, curving around my chin, cupping my cheek. “You make wanting you as necessary as breathing,” he said. “Looking like this ...” His arms went around me and he kissed me hard. “Do you want me to be gentle with you, Spike?”

“Your choice,” I said in a whisper, looking at him.

“I asked you a question,” he said, a warning note in his voice.

“Not particularly,” I said, being honest because there wasn’t any other choice.

He ran his hand down my back, letting it rest on my arse. “Tell me what you want me to do to you, Spike.”

Giles never did things the way he was supposed to. “I want you to make the most of me, of what I am, what I can give you.”

He brought his hand around and wrapped it around my cock, working it slowly but squeezing hard. “Go on,” he said.

“Want you to let go, Giles. Want you to fuck me without holding back, without thinking once that you’re hurting me, or you shouldn’t be doing it. Want to struggle and feel you stop me, want to fight you and lose. Want you to be stronger than me, every way there is.” His hand stopped moving and I arched back and moaned with pure need. “Want you to twist this collar tight, with your fingers hooked in it as you fuck me. Make me come, Giles. Make me beg. Don’t give me any choices.”

He looked at me and I watched his face sharpen and harden until he was focused on me and nothing else and I forced myself to keep looking at him, feeling how fucking dangerous he could be and loving that edge to him. Then he gave me everything I wanted and all that I needed until the air was thick with the scent of my blood and his sweat and I was saying his name over and over with every thrust of his cock deep inside me and nothing mattered because I could hear him saying my name as he came and if I’d ever doubted he loved me, I didn’t after hearing that.

Don’t think either of us fell asleep as much as passed out from exhaustion. When we woke I was still wearing my collar and Giles was holding me against him, so the beat of his heart and the heat of his body were trapped under my hand. As I stirred his arm tightened and I rubbed my face against his shoulder reassuringly.

“Good morning, Spike,” he said, his voice drowsy.

“Morning, Giles.”

There was a moment of silence and then he began to chuckle. “What?” I said, moving away enough to look at him. I frowned. “I hurt you?” His lips were swollen and there was a scrape down one side of his face.

“I think they came under the heading of self-inflicted,” he said, sobering slightly. “Your chip –”

“Think I felt it get me once or twice, yeah, not full strength though, and it was worth it.”

“God, yes,” he agreed.

“So, what was so funny?”

He flicked a look around the room. “We seem to have made a mess.”

I twisted around and looked. It looked as if we’d fought a dozen demons and lost, but nothing – much – was broken. “Guess we did. Sorry.”

“No, you’re not.”

I grinned. “No, I’m not. I’d have trashed the whole place and not thought twice last night.”

Giles stretched out and winced. “I think we broke me, too.”

I let my hand drift down between us. “No, we didn’t.”

“God, Spike, it’s barely three hours since –”

I kissed him, doing it gently because I’d figured out why his mouth was swollen, and he let me but I didn’t push it. “I’ll get you coffee if you want,” I offered. “Could do with some blood myself.”

He nodded and I got out of bed. Giles bit off an exclamation and I turned back to him. “What?”

“Your back is, well, it’s a mess.”

I craned my neck but couldn’t see much. I shrugged. “It’ll be gone by tonight. Doesn’t feel too bad.”

I left before he could say anything else and took a quick shower while the coffee brewed. The sting of soap told me where every scratch and bite was but that just put a smile on my face. I dried off and picked up my collar. I’d taken it off so it didn’t get wet but I didn’t want to put it back on myself. I decided to give it to Giles, let him decide and if he wasn’t pleased I’d taken it off, I’d take whatever I had coming for that.

His eyes went to my neck as soon as I walked back in, mug in one hand, collar in the other.

“Took a shower,” I said. “Do you mind?”

“I certainly don’t mind the shower and as soon as my legs are functioning, I intend to have one myself. You removing the collar? No. I told you it wasn’t for every day.”

I felt a little disappointed, both that he didn’t mind and that it didn’t look as if it would be going back on. Felt safe with it on. I passed him his drink and watched him take a cautious swallow of the hot coffee.

“I didn’t give you all your presents yesterday,” he said after a few more gulps. “There’s one more in the top drawer over there.” He nodded at the chest of drawers and I went to it. It wasn’t gift wrapped but it stood out amongst the folded clothes. Pair of scissors, cold steel and sharp. I picked them up and took them over to him.

“What do you want me to do with them, Giles?”

He picked up the collar from the bed where I’d left it and held it up. “Use it on this.”

“Why?” I stared at him, trying to work it out. “Giles, I like wearing it, I like feeling I belong with you.”

“You do,” he said, pulling me down to sit beside him. “Always. I’m never going to let you feel any differently. Trust me on that, the way you did last night.” He bit his lip and said quietly, “You won that bet the very first night, you know? When you went on your knees to me. I couldn’t believe you’d do that to me, to anyone. I knew it meant you were as close to giving up as I was – or you cared enough about me to do something inconceivable.” He looked at me. “I’m still not sure which it was.”

“Both,” I said shortly.

“So you’ve won a taste of me. Remember?”

I looked at him and he smiled faintly. “But you don’t want it, do you?”

“No.” Couldn’t seem to get any words out but he knew why that was the one order I’d never obey from him. Didn’t trust myself. Wasn’t open to debate.

“I’m not going to argue about that. The point is, Spike, I didn’t need you at all after that first night, not really.” His hand went out to grip my wrist, keeping me in place as I tried to stand up, get away from him. Felt the panic swirl inside me no matter what he’d said about trusting him. “Listen. You’d done enough right then to make me know that killing myself wasn’t an option. I was still grieving but you’d done what you set out to do.”

“So why did you keep me around?” I was trying to understand him but all I could hear was his voice telling me he didn’t need me.

“Because you needed me. Because as long as you did, I had a purpose. So perhaps I was wrong; we needed each other, I suppose.”

I sighed. “Giles, you’re confusing me. Make up your fucking mind.”

“I’m sorry. I think what I’m saying is that it’s over now. No,<i>not</i> us and if you try to pull away again, I’ll –” He broke off and shook his head ruefully. “Got in the habit of this. Spike, you set it up so I’d be in control. You did it for yourself, because that was what you needed right then. I went along with it because it appealed to me, which you shouldn’t be in any doubt about by now, and because I thought it would make things easier for us both. Give our relationship a structure of sorts.”

I thought about it and nodded finally. It made sense. Wasn’t sure how I felt about Giles never saying any of this before but I couldn’t argue with it. I had needed him and knowing he’d wanted to help me back then made me feel something that was trying to qualify as happy. “So why do you want to stop? You get off on it as much as I do and last night – fuck, Giles, you came so hard at the end you nearly passed out.”

“I think I did,” he murmured, “but that’s not the point. I’m wanting more than that from you, Spike.”

“More? Giles, I’ve told you I love you. I’m not sure I’ve got any more than that. Last night I’d have let you fucking stake me if you wanted –”

“No,” he said, “you wouldn’t. You’d have fought me for real if you’d even thought I’d do that, Spike. Don’t deceive yourself.” He let go of my wrist and stroked my cheek. “You’re very bad at submitting, you know.”

I was left speechless by that.

“You’ve spent the last six months fighting me every step of the way,” he said, amusement warming his voice. “I submit better than you do and that’s saying something.”

“I’ve spent the last six months on my knees, bent over –” I protested.

“And getting your arse blistered because you never did it without arguing, searching for ways around every order or trying to seduce me into doing what you wanted.”

“Oh.” I looked at him. “Really?”

“There’s also the fact that you like being punished but I don’t think that’s why you kept pushing me so much.” He lifted up his hands and let them fall. “You just don’t give in. Ever. It’s part of why I love you. I don’t either. Except once.”

“So why did you even give me this collar?” I said. “Why give me something and then want me to destroy it the next fucking day?”

“I hoped you’d refuse it. Hope it would jolt you into speaking up. It didn’t.” He rubbed his eyes and looked at me. “It made you happy.”

“Thought it meant you wanted me and I didn’t have to worry any more,” I said, desolation eating away at me.

“I got that. I do and you don’t. I want you to accept that, Spike. Please? Believe I love you?”

“I do.”

He frowned. “You didn’t even think about that,” he objected.

“What’s to think about? I know you do. You’ve told me and I can’t see why you’d lie about it. Doesn’t mean you won’t come up with some stupid fucking idea that we can’t be together. Oh, wait. You are doing.”

“No, I’m not!”

“Why did you put that collar on me? Why did you say you wanted to fuck me in it?”

“Because I did, you prat. Because stark naked or clothed, you’re bloody hot in that collar you make me want to go on my knees, you’re so –” He took a deep breath. “But that’s icing on the cake. I can’t spend my life with an erection taking away my ability to think past coming in you again and again.”

It didn’t sound bad to me, but I knew Giles wanted more than that and yes, I suppose I did too. We’d done more than fuck the last six months after all.

“So what do you want us to do, Giles?”

He eyed me with a speculative gleam in his eyes. “We’ve made love hundreds of times, Spike.” I noted the way he’d phrased it but didn’t comment, just nodded. “Tell me which time I liked best.” I opened my mouth and he held up his hand. “Think about it.”

Giles reached for what was left of his coffee and drank it, never taking his eyes off me. I waited for him to finish and then said slowly. “Three times were special. Last night.” He smiled and flushed slightly. He’d have had a hard time arguing with that one. “In my crypt a few weeks ago.” He hadn’t touched me with anything but his voice but he didn’t even hesitate before nodding. “And July. The night I had you.” He started to speak and I smiled, forestalling him. “Half an hour or so after that, if you want to be picky. That was it for you, wasn’t it?”

I remembered it; taking him for the first time, then lying there talking, holding each other. When we’d gone from talking to touching there hadn’t been any sense of Giles being in control or me. It had just been the two of us. It had been ... good.

“Yes. And that’s what I’ve spent the last five months remembering. I love you, Spike. I’ll be anything you want me to be if you can’t bring yourself to admit that this is just temporary – but that’s what I want. You as a partner. You once told me we’d never be equals.”  His eyes gleamed. “That’s a perfect example of what I was getting at when I said you weren’t very good at this. You wanted me to think you were being properly humble, but you never meant that at all, did you?”

I grinned. “Not really. Not then. Now, though – equals? I don’t know. We’re different. But close to equals.”

“So?”

I sighed. “Giles, I get it now, I understand and I won’t say you’re wrong, but – it’s going to be hard to give it up. I like the way you are with me. I need someone to stop me fucking up and I like it being you and the way you do it.”

“That I know,” he said dryly.

“So do you,” I pointed out.

“True, but it’s not something you can play at, Spike. I can’t be that way when one of us feels like it and then turn it off again.”

“Why not?”

“It wouldn’t be real.”

“According to you, it never has been, you’ve just been humouring me the last six months.”

“No, I haven’t. It was real, every moment of it. It just isn’t the only way I want to be with you.”

“Are you telling me you never want to raise a welt on my backside again? Never want to make me beg to be fucked?” I held up the collar. “Never want to put this on me and watch me get even prettier than I already fucking am? Don’t bother answering. You know you do. Giles, you’ve spent the last six months doing everything wrong as much as I have. You’ve given me fucking blow jobs for Christ’s sake. You’ve let me fuck you and you’ve let me get away with stuff and it didn’t matter, none of it, because you’re as hard as fucking steel and if you’d wanted to you’d have brought me to heel. You just didn’t want to.”

I saw my words hit home and wondered if I’d looked that stunned when he did it to me.

“Oh, well, thank you, Spike,” he muttered. “Now we’re really clear where we stand.”

I smiled. “Yeah, we are.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“In six months we’ve fallen in love, moved in together, really, really annoyed Xander and had sex that made me go to sleep smiling and wake up wanting more.” I looked at him and saw him grin. “Yeah, you don’t do too badly for a man your age.” That got me a glare and I gave him an unrepentant smirk back. “So stop trying to plan it out so much.”

I tossed the collar to him. “Put it on me and fuck me. Hard. Then I’ll put it away. But I’m not destroying it and I won’t let you either. Fuck me.”

He caught it and looked at me, one eyebrow lifted as he waited.

“Please.”

“No,” he said firmly.

I sighed in frustration as he got out of bed.

“It’ll only get wet in the shower,” he pointed out.

“I just had one!”

“I didn’t, and I’m surprised you can stand to be this close to me with your much vaunted vampiric sense of smell. So I’m going to shower and you’re going to stand there and get wet and soapy with me and well and truly fucked when I’m clean.”

“And?”

 “I thought you didn’t want me to plan ahead?” He came over to me, looped the collar around my neck and used it to pull me to him. “We’ll just have to see.”

Shouldn’t have done that. He didn’t make it to the shower for another hour.

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