Letters of . . .
by
Cobalt Mystic
6...Recovery, Pt 2 Salvation
Xander finished the letter looking up to meet Spike’s ice blue gaze. There was a flash of green and suddenly he found a collapsed, shaking, semi-conscious vampire in his arms.
As Xander read the final lines, Spike swore his eyes glowed green and the words he’d heard echoing through him over a hundred years before echoed through him once again. Alyssa’s and Xander’s voices intermingled, merging his past, present, and future, drowning out the voices of his past until only Alyssa remained.
"That’s better, isn’t it, love."
"Spike? Spike what’s wrong? Come on Blondie, talk to me."
His words were quiet and broken. "Go away… you’re not really here…"
"William, I’ve always been here; I’m a part of you- you know that."
"Fat chance Bloodbreath, I’m not leaving you like this, okay."
Resigned: "Yes…"
"You cannot continue this way, it will destroy you. I can help if you wish."
"Good. What can I do?" As he waited for a response he began to absently stroke Spike’s touselled hair. It seemed to calm the vamp some as his shaking slowly subsided.
"The voices- make them stop…"
"You must decide who you are first, my sweet- then I can help you control the voices."
Voices? That’s what Alyssa had said in her letter- "too many voices." Xander studied the man in his arms, he seemed so fragile, tormented, and innocent. He actually looked like the Spike he knew was under the Big Bad persona and that thought both comforted him and terrified him. "Gods, Spike, what happened to you?" The question was asked in barely a whisper to no one in particular.
A deep sob wracked Spike‘s small form, "…I don’t know who I am…"
"Listen to your heart, William."
Xander held Spike to him and gaped. He thought about the letters, where they had come from, what they said, and he knew. He understood why she’d chosen him and what he was meant to do.
"Spike, I know you can hear me, so just listen." His voice was soft and airy and full of warmth as he spoke. "You are a demon with the heart of a poet. You believe in love and honour and loyalty. When you care about someone or something, they are all that matter- you love totally, even when you shouldn’t. You’re protective to a fault and only slightly less possessive. You are a beautiful enigma, a puzzle. You don’t want to let anyone see the real you, so you play the Big Bad to keep them away- you’ve been hurt too much by those you have let in. That’s the Spike I know, the Spike I care about, the one I came here today to find. It’s the Spike I missed, and I want back." Without thinking Xander gently kissed Spike’s forehead. "Come back to me."
"You heard his words love."
"That’s a question only you can answer."
"You have decided then?"
"Then sleep, my love, and I shall do what I can."
"Thank you." A cold tear trickled from closed eyes as a blissfully quiet sleep took him.
Xander continued threading his fingers through Spike’s soft platinum curls thinking over what he’d just said. He’d meant it, all that and then some. He just wanted his vamp back. And there he was calling him ‘his vamp’ again. What was it with him and demons? If things ever calmed down enough (yeah right) maybe he’d talk to Giles about it. Until then he’d cope. Cope with his demon lustage and cope with the fact that this particular demon was pining over Buffy. But for now he had his vamp in his arms and he was going to treasure that feeling as long as it lasted.
7...Recovery, Pt 3 Understanding
He felt warm, and saner than he had in a long time- even with the faint green burning behind his closed eyelids.
"Ah William, you’re awake. We need to talk, sweet one. I cannot take the voices away, they are with you always, but I can and have quieted them."
"This is why I chose you, William, your strength and honour. Never forget, William."
"I‘m always with you, love, whenever you need me I‘ll be here. Take care of you and yours."
Spike contentedly snuggled into the warmth surrounding him, only vaguely acknowledging that it was Xander and managing to wonder why he had stayed with him. He really needed to think now that he could. Much of what Xander had said was true- he could be honest enough with himself about that, but how had the Whelp known? Spike knew how obtuse the Witch liked to be, so he doubted she had told him. Gods, could that mean he really paid that much attention, to suss it himself? Well, she had said that he cared more than the others.
Even if she hadn’t mentioned it, Spike couldn’t ignore that it was Xander who came for him, fed him, stayed with him, made him feel loved- more loved than he ever had with Buffy. Maybe he wasn’t up for thinking after all.
"Stop thinking so much Blondie, you’re giving me a headache."
"Your fault for noticing, pet."
One look in Spike’s eyes and Xander was doing an internal Snoopy Dance from hell- his vamp was back! "Ah, now that’s more like the Spike I know." …and love.
Spike offered up one of his 1000 watt smirks, "Thanks."
"Welcome, just don’t let it get around; people might start thinking I don’t hate you."
Spike was caught up in Xander’s smile- gods, it was amazing, made you want to forget everything and just be. Damn he hadn’t realized how much he missed that smile.
"Hey, you’re thinking again."
"Surprised you recognized it."
"Yeah, well, I missed you, too." There was a brief silence, not exactly awkward, but definitely pregnant, before Xander spit out, "It’s still dark. What’s say we get you out of here?"
"Exactly where’d ya have in mind, luv?"
"Well, we could chase Clem outta the crypt, or take you to Buffy’s- though I’m not sure she’d appreciate it considering- or the Magic Box, or you could come back to my place. Your call."
"Yeah, I’m sure your demon-girl would love that."
"Anya’s gone, Spike, off being all vengency somewhere."
Spike quirked an eyebrow at that. "Seeing as I’d rather not get staked anytime soon, sounds like your place."
8...Revelation, Pt 1 The Past
It was odd. Once they had gotten back to Xander’s things fell into an old routine. Quips and snark about what to watch, whether or not blood was a ‘seasoning’, and whether or not chocolate was a food group flowed as if none of the past six months had happened. Eventually, they settled into a companionable silence as they sprawled across the sofa.
Xander was fighting with himself- he wanted to ask Spike about what happened at the school and about Alyssa, but he didn’t want to push him either; he was enjoying tonight too much. Then again, the way things had been going there wasn’t likely to be any better time. "Spike? Tell me about Alyssa."
Spike lolled his head back against the sofa and let out an unneeded breath. He’d been wondering when the questions would come and had already decided that Xander deserved the truth. It didn’t mean he was ready for it. Besides, he’d been enjoying this return to normalcy, and once he told Xander the truth he doubted he’d have it again.
Xander spoke before Spike had gotten his mind set. "Don’t worry about it Bloodbreath. Forget I asked." He made to get up, when a firm hand stopped him.
"No, you deserve to know. Just give me a minute."
"Yeah, sure, but you really don’t have to…"
Spike rolled his eyes, "Shut it, pet, and sit down."
Xander did as he was told and Spike plowed on before he could think better of it.
"Alyssa was a witch. Took a fancy to me before I was turned. She had ‘ideas’ about me. Didn’t you read the letters?"
"The ones from the crypt? Nah, thought about it, but decided it was the kinda thing you would do. ’sides didn’t really think it was my place to be that nosey."
"If Alyssa told you about them then she thinks it’s your place." He sprung up and grabbed the bundle of letters from the table. Sorting quickly through them he returned to the sofa and handed one of the letters to Xander. "Here, read."
William, do you remember what I told you that night? That despite all, your life was one of a champion, one of honour. Unfortunately, like the paths of all true champions yours is laden with hurt and sacrifice. Yes, yes, I know you believe the concept of sacrifice is a sign of weakness, especially in a vampire, but you may not always find that so. William, above all else you value love and loyalty, and you know that they require the most sacrifice. You spent most of your life and death being loving and loyal, so you cannot deny what I say is true- you have first hand knowledge of it. Believe me William when I tell you that soon you will find love and loyalty worthy of you. Stay strong, my love.
Forever yours,
Alyssa
When Xander finished reading, he met Spike’s gaze. He really didn’t know what to say; though he was beginning to see why Deadboy was so threatened by her.
"I got that one after Dru left," he handed Xander another letter, "and this one after the bloody chip."
Oh, my poor William, how dare they hurt what’s mine! Would that I could have protected you as I should, but we both know that isn’t possible. You have a course to stay and regrettably your path contains more pain than is just. Forgive me, love, for not being able to prevent it or even tell you more. You are loved, my sweet, and will be loved more truly then even I could; be patient, you will find your way.
Alyssa
"Woman’s annoying as hell sometimes. Always knowing what’s going on and so bloody concerned about me." He got very quiet, he’d never told anyone this, "She’s in my head ya know. That’s what she meant in that letter of yours. Sends me these dreams, before things happen."
"You killed her."
"Yeah, my first. Bloody bint’s been firmly lodged in my brain since. Dru told me she insisted, confronted them when they were turning me. Apparently told Angelus off but good beforehand, even had him cowering." Spike chuckled, "Would’ve loved to’ve seen that."
9...Revelation, Pt 2 The Present
Xander smiled and shared Spike’s laugh. "So let me get this straight- you’ve got your own personal guardian witch, who treats you like the noble hero everyone thinks Deadboy is. She stood up to Angelus for you and made sure she was your first meal, somehow managing to bond with you in the process, which, now correct me on this, but considering how powerful she was or is, virtually makes her your second Sire."
"Never really thought about it like that."
"Maybe you should." Xander laid a friendly hand on Spike’s shoulder before extricating himself from the sofa and heading for the kitchen. "Want anything?"
Spike mutely shook his head.
When Xander returned, Spike seemed to be lost in thought, so when his smooth British voice broke the comperative silence Xander actually jumped.
"Why’d you say that bollocks back at the school?"
He’d half hoped Spike wouldn’t remember his little speech. Oh, nothing Spike, I just might be in love with you and thought you needed to know what I see in you, that’s all. Oh, yeah, that would go over fabulously. "Which particular ‘bollocks’ would you be refering to?" (And gods he’d been hanging around Giles too long.)
Blue eyes stared at him wordlessly screaming, "you know bloody well what I’m talking about."
"Oh, that."
"Yeah, that," he replied trying to exude calm. The minute he’d broached the subject, waves of fear started rolling off Xander and Spike honestly wasn’t trying to scare him.
Meanwhile, Xander tried to compose himself, no use getting all worked up before he knew how much trouble he was in. He swallowed hard, "Because it’s true. At least to me. And Dawn. Tara saw it too. It’s what we see and I don‘t understand why…" he trailed off not wanting to hurt his friend more.
"Why what?" The honesty in Spike’s crystal eyes was like a dagger.
Fuck it, life sucked and after that confession he was probably going to lose another of the few people he cared about. "I don’t understand why Buffy can’t see it, why she treated you like shit; I mean even before what happened. You’re a good guy." Xander couldn’t look at him, he was too afraid of what he’d see in those haunting features.
Spike’s words were soft, the tone matter-of-fact, "I’m a demon and a killer."
"So? It’s not all that you are. Besides, people change- even vamp people. None of us are angels, Spike."
~*~*~*~*~
They stayed up a while talking before Spike ushered Xander to bed. That had been three hours ago. Three hours Spike had spent thinking. Now, he was standing in the doorway to Xander’s bedroom watching him sleep.
It wasn’t as if he hadn’t ‘thought’ about Xander before- Alyssa had seen to that. Hell, it was half the reason he’d slept with Anya, okay so maybe not HALF, but it was part of it. Then Xander had gotten so angry. It had felt like a knife in his gut- knowing that he’d caused Xander that much pain; knowing how much that meant he still loved Anya.
All that time he’d been obsessing over Buffy, but even her rejection hadn’t hurt as deeply as Xander’s anger.
Then there was Buffy. Gods, how could he have been so stupid and selfish?!
Still, after everything, Xander had come for him. It would be so easy to allow himself to love him, but if anyone deserved better it was Xander. No, none of them were angels, but to Spike’s way of thinking his Xanpet was as close to it as any mortal could be.
10...Discovery
Things did change after that night in Xander’s apartment, but not in the ways either man had feared.
Even after getting Spike accepted back into the fold, the vamp asked to stay with Xander rather then his girls- a proposition Xander readily agreed to. The boys automatically paired off for patrol, and their trademark snark began to grow into a more friendly banter. But the real changes were back at, what was now, their apartment. It was little things at first, like Spike surreptitiously cleaning up after himself (and Xander), and Xander ‘being in the neighbourhood’ just when Spike needed more blood (and he always seemed to be there at an apropos time to get a deal on ‘the good stuff’).
More often than not, they’d spend half the night talking, their conversations ran the gambit- on occasion Spike would even divulge parts of his human past. There were only two subjects both men studiously avoided- Buffy and Anya.
Then one night it happened. Spike and Xander were sprawled on the couch when azure eyes locked with chocolate ones, "’m sorry, ya know, never meant to hurt you."
Xander’s brow wrinkled in confusion. "Spike, we’re sitting on the sofa- no hurtage involved."
Spike sighed, seemed his pet wasn’t going to make this easy for him, "Anya, you bloody git. Didn’t do it to hurt ya."
Snorting, if you only knew, "Things were messed up then," okay, so being state-the-obvious-guy, "with the almost wedding and Buffy and general Hellmouthy-ness."
"No ‘scuse, mate." "Shoulda know how much ya wanted her back."
Okay Xan-man, now’s your chance tell him why it really hurt. Sighing, Xander closed his eyes, but didn’t speak.
Pain and anxiety were radiating off his pet. "Xan, I’m sorry, I shoulda kept my big trap shut."
Still his Xanpet didn’t answer.
Spike moved to kneel by the young man he’d given up denying he loved. "Xander? Luv? Please." Without thinking he brushed the hair from Xander’s face.
Xander’s eyes opened at the touch. Were those tears in his vamp’s eyes? "It wasn’t Anya," he whispered, touching a warm hand to a cool cheek as he continued, "was you."
With the confession, Xander’s face quirked into a shy half-smile and Spike was lost.
If asked, they wouldn’t be able to say who kissed who, only that it was gentle and perfect and full of unspoken emotions.
When they broke the kiss glistening tracks trailed down Spike’s sculptured features, "Can’t do this, Pet. You deserve so much better."
Gently, Xander cupped Spike’s face, lifting it so their eyes met, "What about what I want?"
"Xander…"
"Shut up Bloodbreath," and he pulled the vamp in for another searing kiss.
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